2010 FEB.
VALUE THE ANGRY FACE OF A GOOD FRIEND
By Rev. Yushi Mukojima,
VALUE THE ANGRY FACE OF A GOOD FRIEND
By Rev. Yushi Mukojima,
| Dharma Message |
Happy New Year!
Thank you all very much for your friendship and continued support in the
past year. My wife and I would like to thank all the Sangha members for your
ongoing thoughtfulness. We sincerely hope you to avail ourselves to your kindness
again in the coming year.
There is a Japanese proverb, “Value the angry face of a good friend above
the smiling face of a bad friend.” Have you ever heard of this proverb? It comes
from a Buddhist idea and has deep meaning.
The proverb teaches us how important our choice of friends is. A bad friend—
although he behaves in a friendly way while flattering with a smile—will betray us at a
critical moment, or abandon us when we need their help the most. But though a
good friend may remind us of our shortcomings so often that we feel exasperated, it
is he who in the end will support us no matter what.
What sort of friend is the kind you like to be around? I think that it might be
one who always praises you, does what you want, and even though you may
express a bad idea or do something wrong, he doesn’t blame you for it, but may
even be pleased by it. Certainly, if such a friend is always at our side, we feel
comfortable and compatible. But isn’t a friend like this dangerous because he doesn’
t take us very seriously? A friend who doesn’t call us out for our bad speech or
behavior but is instead tolerant of it is a poor companion. As we are taught, “Like
attracts like,” so those who have misguided ideas often hang out together. But when
things turn bad, such friends are quick to abandon us.
A false friend is one who is usually on good terms with us, but who
sometimes fails to give us needed advice when we are on the verge of making
poor choices. Therefore, trusting our friend’s silence, we are likely to push our luck,
and have a bitter experience because of it. So we have to be careful.
If you think about it, a friend who constantly reprimands us is actually
someone who takes us seriously. In my childhood, I was often scolded by my
father. Back then, his pet phrase was, “I wouldn’t say anything if you were a
complete stranger. But I am telling you this because you are important to me.”
This is different from a friend who simply praises anything we do. Of course, it’s
much easier to hear compliments than to be with someone who is constantly
pointing out our shortcomings. After a while, we tend to stay away from a nagging
friend. But with no one around us to point out our faults, how can we be sure we are
doing the right thing? Even if we are annoyed by them, like having a flea in your ear,
we should treasure any friend who treats us seriously.
In Buddhist Scriptures, there is the “Paying Homage to the Six Directions
Sutra.” In this Sutra, Shakyamuni Buddha teaches Sigalaka, the son of a wealthy
man, in detail how to choose friends.
First, he gives four examples of those with whom you should not keep
company:
(1) A friend who takes everything.
(2) A friend who is a great talker.
(3) A friend who is a flatterer.
(4) A friend who is a fellow-wastrel.
To put it more concretely:
(1) A friend who takes everything is one who makes maneuvers only for his
own benefit and gain.
(2) A friend who is a great talker is one who mouths empty phrases of good
will. Though on friendly terms outwardly, when times get tough, he will leave you.
(3) A friend who is a flatterer is one who condones bad actions, avoids good
behavior, praises us to our face, but disparages us behind our back.
(4) A friend who is a fellow-wastrel is one who is a companion only when we
indulge in strong drink and gambling.
Although these four kinds of people may seem close friends, in fact, they are
bad and even dangerous influences. Therefore, as we might avoid any kind of
danger, we should keep away from them. Shakyamuni Buddha teaches us to
refuse to deal with such people.
Next, the Buddha shows us in the following examples what kind of people
are true friends:
(1) A reliable friend.
(2) A friend who accepts others’ joy and sorrow.
(3) A friend who points out what is good for us.
(4) A friend who has a good mind and is sympathetic.
To explain more in detail:
(1) A reliable friend is one who looks after us when we are down. When we are
lacking something, he gives us twice what we need.
(2) A friend who accepts others’ joy and sorrow is one who tells us his secrets
and who guards our secrets. He won’t abandon us, and would even sacrifice his
life for us.
(3) A friend who points out what is good for us is one who keeps us from
wrongdoing, supports us in doing good, tells us what we may be unaware of, and
points out the path to the way of the truth.
(4) A friend who has a good mind and is sympathetic is one who doesn’t
rejoice in our misfortune, but who rejoices in our good fortune. He stops others who
speak against us, and encourages others who speak in praise of us.
Buddha teaches us that we should treasure these four kinds of people because
they are our true friends.
As you all know, friends have great power of influence over us. It is not
exaggeration to say that the kind of friends we have can determine the course of our
lives. Our friends teach us so many things we may not have known. By sharing
everything, the very course of our lives is shaped. We learn, we rejoice, we feel
sorrow, we feel sympathy in the company of our friends. Having good friends who
respect one another, who support one another, and who understand one another,
creates a great power which helps guide us in the direction we should take in our
lives. But having false friends can cause us to take a wrong direction and lose
precious fortunes in our lives.
Although Shakyamuni Buddha emphasizes how important it is to choose
friends wisely, he also admonishes that we should strive to be good friends
ourselves.
A friend who helps us, a friend who is steadfast in both joyful and trying
times, a friend who tells us what is good for us, and a friend who is sympathetic…all
of these are our real best friends.
So let us, while hailing in the New Year, in the teaching of the Nembutsu, renew
our efforts to cultivate our minds and to seriously consider our friendships. Are there
any friends around you who really scold and nag you?
In Gassho,
Thank you all very much for your friendship and continued support in the
past year. My wife and I would like to thank all the Sangha members for your
ongoing thoughtfulness. We sincerely hope you to avail ourselves to your kindness
again in the coming year.
There is a Japanese proverb, “Value the angry face of a good friend above
the smiling face of a bad friend.” Have you ever heard of this proverb? It comes
from a Buddhist idea and has deep meaning.
The proverb teaches us how important our choice of friends is. A bad friend—
although he behaves in a friendly way while flattering with a smile—will betray us at a
critical moment, or abandon us when we need their help the most. But though a
good friend may remind us of our shortcomings so often that we feel exasperated, it
is he who in the end will support us no matter what.
What sort of friend is the kind you like to be around? I think that it might be
one who always praises you, does what you want, and even though you may
express a bad idea or do something wrong, he doesn’t blame you for it, but may
even be pleased by it. Certainly, if such a friend is always at our side, we feel
comfortable and compatible. But isn’t a friend like this dangerous because he doesn’
t take us very seriously? A friend who doesn’t call us out for our bad speech or
behavior but is instead tolerant of it is a poor companion. As we are taught, “Like
attracts like,” so those who have misguided ideas often hang out together. But when
things turn bad, such friends are quick to abandon us.
A false friend is one who is usually on good terms with us, but who
sometimes fails to give us needed advice when we are on the verge of making
poor choices. Therefore, trusting our friend’s silence, we are likely to push our luck,
and have a bitter experience because of it. So we have to be careful.
If you think about it, a friend who constantly reprimands us is actually
someone who takes us seriously. In my childhood, I was often scolded by my
father. Back then, his pet phrase was, “I wouldn’t say anything if you were a
complete stranger. But I am telling you this because you are important to me.”
This is different from a friend who simply praises anything we do. Of course, it’s
much easier to hear compliments than to be with someone who is constantly
pointing out our shortcomings. After a while, we tend to stay away from a nagging
friend. But with no one around us to point out our faults, how can we be sure we are
doing the right thing? Even if we are annoyed by them, like having a flea in your ear,
we should treasure any friend who treats us seriously.
In Buddhist Scriptures, there is the “Paying Homage to the Six Directions
Sutra.” In this Sutra, Shakyamuni Buddha teaches Sigalaka, the son of a wealthy
man, in detail how to choose friends.
First, he gives four examples of those with whom you should not keep
company:
(1) A friend who takes everything.
(2) A friend who is a great talker.
(3) A friend who is a flatterer.
(4) A friend who is a fellow-wastrel.
To put it more concretely:
(1) A friend who takes everything is one who makes maneuvers only for his
own benefit and gain.
(2) A friend who is a great talker is one who mouths empty phrases of good
will. Though on friendly terms outwardly, when times get tough, he will leave you.
(3) A friend who is a flatterer is one who condones bad actions, avoids good
behavior, praises us to our face, but disparages us behind our back.
(4) A friend who is a fellow-wastrel is one who is a companion only when we
indulge in strong drink and gambling.
Although these four kinds of people may seem close friends, in fact, they are
bad and even dangerous influences. Therefore, as we might avoid any kind of
danger, we should keep away from them. Shakyamuni Buddha teaches us to
refuse to deal with such people.
Next, the Buddha shows us in the following examples what kind of people
are true friends:
(1) A reliable friend.
(2) A friend who accepts others’ joy and sorrow.
(3) A friend who points out what is good for us.
(4) A friend who has a good mind and is sympathetic.
To explain more in detail:
(1) A reliable friend is one who looks after us when we are down. When we are
lacking something, he gives us twice what we need.
(2) A friend who accepts others’ joy and sorrow is one who tells us his secrets
and who guards our secrets. He won’t abandon us, and would even sacrifice his
life for us.
(3) A friend who points out what is good for us is one who keeps us from
wrongdoing, supports us in doing good, tells us what we may be unaware of, and
points out the path to the way of the truth.
(4) A friend who has a good mind and is sympathetic is one who doesn’t
rejoice in our misfortune, but who rejoices in our good fortune. He stops others who
speak against us, and encourages others who speak in praise of us.
Buddha teaches us that we should treasure these four kinds of people because
they are our true friends.
As you all know, friends have great power of influence over us. It is not
exaggeration to say that the kind of friends we have can determine the course of our
lives. Our friends teach us so many things we may not have known. By sharing
everything, the very course of our lives is shaped. We learn, we rejoice, we feel
sorrow, we feel sympathy in the company of our friends. Having good friends who
respect one another, who support one another, and who understand one another,
creates a great power which helps guide us in the direction we should take in our
lives. But having false friends can cause us to take a wrong direction and lose
precious fortunes in our lives.
Although Shakyamuni Buddha emphasizes how important it is to choose
friends wisely, he also admonishes that we should strive to be good friends
ourselves.
A friend who helps us, a friend who is steadfast in both joyful and trying
times, a friend who tells us what is good for us, and a friend who is sympathetic…all
of these are our real best friends.
So let us, while hailing in the New Year, in the teaching of the Nembutsu, renew
our efforts to cultivate our minds and to seriously consider our friendships. Are there
any friends around you who really scold and nag you?
In Gassho,